The Dildo Beach Club

Top Chef fans, you know what I'm talking about. Whenever Jeff is on screen, and they show his subtitle (which features where each chef works) I always think his says "The Dildo Beach Club". The first time I saw it, I rewound the DVR just to double check. He is from South Beach, after all. Turns out, it says "The Dilido Beach Club" . . .and when I looked it up online, it's actually the "DiLido Beach Club." None of which have anything to do with dildos. I guess that explains why he didn't do more with bananas. . .

By the way, it's 71 degrees there right now. Check out their page: DiLido Beach Club

Or better yet, here's a pic:

"I want to go to there." -Liz Lemon

Clipboard People

I'm sure they exist in every city, but if not, allow me to explain. Clipboard People are the people who work for Children International or Greenpeace or whatnot who look like normal pedestrians/tourists and then when you least expect it BAM!

"Excuse me, do you have a minute for the environment?"

I used to respond: "Well, uh, I guess." then after listening to the spiel, then being pressured to give a complete stranger my credit card info (I didn't, don't worry) and pretending like I was going to go home, do some more research on Greenpeace and then pay online, I vowed never to give them another "minute" of my time. I employed a strategy and now, I will share it with you.

1) Learn to spot them. Casually look ahead. They either have on hooded jacket/windbreaker things or polos. They're most definitely holding a clipboard. They are also surveying the crowd. . .perhaps talking to some unsuspecting person.

2) If you spot one, put in your headphones, call the weather hotline from your cell. . .anything to occupy your attention.

3) As you approach the Clipboard Person, try to position yourself so that there's someone between you and them. The CP will then ask that person for a minute of their time, and you'll go by unbothered. It's their fault for not looking down the sidewalk.

4) Be careful! They usually go out in packs. If you've just passed one, odds are there are more on the same block. If your decoy was not stopped by them, stay close. They may be your protection through the whole clipboard gauntlet. If they were captured, it's fine. Find someone else. Quickly. Or cross the street. . .but beware. There may be more there too.

5) If stopped, pretend like your dad works for Shell or like you don't speak English. Do not give them money. It only encourages more of this intrusive behavior.

And since I've spent a blog post bashing some decent organizations, I would like to put the links to donate to them, if you are so inclined:

Greenpeace

Children International

Liz - Bridezillas

We have another request in! Yay!! The topic is: people who when they get engaged, think their weddings come before everything in your life.

I've only had a few wedding experiences in general, and most of them have been pretty positive. BUT, I've known enough guys and girls who have been in lots of weddings that there is plenty to say.

First, I'll say that a wedding is a wonderful event. It's the one time we think that these two people will defy the odds and stay together and grow old together. Your friend calls you with news about their engagement and you squeal with delight and rehash the proposal. You imagine their happy life together and how you are able to be a part of the the start of it.

Then come the demands:

1) Reserve the date. Hope it's not near anything else you wanted to do! Oh it is? Tough shit. It's my wedding and I'm a princess! Cancel your plans!

2) Bride loves outdoor pics. Bride also loves a winter wedding. It's my day, dammit! Smile until you turn blue, bitches.

3) I will force you to buy a dress. If you're lucky, it will be under $200. If not, well, I don't want you girls looking frumpy! Get a part time job! Oh, you don't like the color? Pay for a spray tan. Oh, it doesn't fit? Pay for alterations.

4) Oops! Did I mention the shoes? I need you to buy a pair and then have them dyed to match the dress. Yeah.

5) I hope none of you bitches were planning on getting pregnant this year. Because then I'm taking your dress and putting it on someone who could keep it in their pants.Ruin my wedding, why don't you!

6) You need me to pay attention to my job? Well too bad, because I have wedding planning activities to do. You understand, right? I mean, it's my special day and if I have gardenias instead of irises, then my marriage is doomed.

7) Oh, did I mention that I need you to fly to town for my bachelorette AND my shower? Unless I want to have it in Vegas. Then you need to fly there. . .and pay for your hotel and part of mine. Thanks!

So what's a bridesmaid to do? Where is it appropriate to draw the line? I have a friend who is in (not invited to, but IN) at least four or five weddings every year. Think of the list above, spending at least $500 on the dress, alterations, and shoes, then paying for travel to the wedding (if applicable), any hotel expenses, car rental, gifts, jewelry (oh yeah, some brides make you buy jewelry to go with the dress), not to mention any special undergarments that the dress might require (I have a bra I still don't know how to wear that has like 6 straps you can arrange 12 different ways. . .or something crazy) and then multiply it by 4. There comes a point where it's not feasible.

Sadly, that's when you have to prioritize friends. Ladies (and gentlemen), sit down right now. If you had to pick 8 of your friends today to be in your wedding, who would they be? Ok, with that list, when the requests come pouring in and you need to pick between friends, consult the list. Or get a job at Starbucks to fund Wedding Season.

Want me to write about something that interests you. . .or just give feedback? Check out my requests blog and post a comment with your request.
http://meauxdub.blogspot.com/2009/01/request-hotline-now-open.html

Also, I'm on Twitter now. Add me!

For Me To Poop On

I love Charmin. Love it. I don't even think they should manufacture other toilet paper I love it so much. My mom bought it exclusively when I was growing up. . .I just think I never gave other paper a chance. I'd come home from college and revel in replacing the icky Scott paper with my pillowy, soothing Charmin. And no, they're not paying me to say this.

Anyway, they make rolls that are HUGE (the Mega Roll), and it rubs up against the wall and does that thing where you only get like one square at a time until you finally work your way down to a fairly normal roll size and it starts rolling smoothly.

So, I'm carrying my 12-pack home (and working whatever muscle is on my inner arms) and notice that they have an offer for an extender which replaces your normal holder and swings out so that it will fit the Mega Roll (imagine a booming voice that echoes when you read that). Oh, and it's free! Free! I got it within a week and it was like Christmas all over again. So uh, get yourself one!

http://www.charmin.com/en_us/pages/extender_request.shtml

"Don't rip yourself a new asshole with those other toilet papers! Use me!"

Mike H - Cell Phone Yammerers

Hey! Why does Mike H get his name in the subject line? Oh, maybe because he made a request. Check out my request post and post a comment with what you want me to blog about (on any post really, I'll see it) and this could be you! You don't have to put your name, but if you do, I'll put it in the subject. Cool, right?

Anyway, I have plenty to say about people who yammer on their cell phones at crazy levels. Let me start though, by saying that I am anti-ringtone. My phone is almost always on vibrate because I can feel it when it rings, and if I can't, then I probably can't answer it. I don't like hearing people's ringtones. . .if it's in the other room, you'll hear it if it's on a table and vibrating. I also can't stand when people leave their ringers on at work. It's at most about 2 feet away from you. Just put it on vibrate. No need to bug the whole office with your weird factory-installed cell phone provider-branded tune.

Ok, back to the yammering. Mike lives in a big city, as do I, and it's inevitable that you'll get a loud cell phone user on your bus or train. They're talking all about some sexcapade or how they're SO pissed at so-and-so and HOW could she be so rude? I mean, what does she take me for? I don't have to put up with her shit, I mean I don't!

Everybody kinda looks at each other awkwardly trying not to laugh (it's even more fun if the convo is super personal and super loud). I actually had somebody on my bus tell her friend that she felt sorry for me because I was next to a girl who was talking about how her friend's fiancee died, but she needs to move on and not be such a bitch. Seriously.

I don't know if these people think they exist in the cone of silence and nobody can hear them, or if they don't realize how loud they're being, or if they simply don't care. In my head, I secretly want their boss or grandmother or someone to pop out from behind a newspaper and shock the hell out of these people.

It also sucks when you're walking on the sidewalk behind these people. It's as though their blood alcohol level shot through the roof, because they can no longer walk a straight line, and manage to block every possible way of passing them on the sidewalk. They also cut their walking pace in about half, and when you're contemplating tripping them, so you can step on their back to finally move past them, they end their call.

Finally, back to PT. Have you ever been on the bus next to someone who can't finish the bus ride sitting alone, quietly? I once sat next to a girl who made no less than 5 phone calls on the way home, so that she had someone to talk to. If only she knew I was there to listen. (awwwww. Not really though, that would have made me peel myself away from my iPod. As if!)

My badass side has this plan to call people out on their shit. I've narrowed it down to 3 options:

1) Start participating in these loud conversations:

Trixie: "OMG I was SO drunk! I don't even know where I woke up this morning!"
Me: "Totally. I'll bet it was super fun! whore."

2) Call my friend and start relaying all the details of their conversation as they happen
Trixie: "OMG. I was SO drunk! I don't even know where I woke up this morning!"
Me: "Mike, you won't believe this. The girl next to me doesn't know where she woke up this morning!"

3)Sit and stare at the offender as though you're listening intently to what they're saying. Super creepy like.

Instead I'll just complain about it passive-aggressively on here. Thanks for listening!


"I can't believe she would say that!"
"I know, what a bitch, right?"

Jack - Unwritten Rules

This is the first of my requested blogs (don't worry Mike, yours is next). That said, there's still time to make requests! So read the one before this, post a request, then start reading.

Made your request? Awesome.

Ok, so I don't know what it is about my Sunday post-improv class trips to Whole Foods, but I'll be damned if it isn't "Carry-my-baby-0n-my-person-palooza." I would never do such a thing because:

1) I don't have a baby
2) I'm wayyy too klutzy.

My non-existent baby shouldn't suffer because I can't walk without tripping. Now, these women always seem to think that their needs are most important. I had one cut in and cut me off while reaching for peppers. Sorry, just because your baby is dangling off your tits, doesn't mean that you get to go first. Invest in a babysitter and let me shop in peace.

My other favorite thing is using the stroller as a mechanism to get through crowds. If you're using that thing like a cattle prod, then it's not my fault if I accidentally hit it. I'm sick of people thinking that just because they have a baby, that means that they automatically get to come first in everything. Until I have one. Then back the hell out of my way.

Also, while I'm ranting. I went to see Slumdog Millionaire this weekend. Jack had to pick up meds for his cat, so after some bad bus luck, we decided to cab it from the pharmacy to make it there on time. We get there, go to the next to last row and sit down. There's two seats between me and the people next to me, and a guy shows up by himself and sits in one of them. There's also a seat on the other side of Jack. So, previews go by (the new Star Trek movie looks awesome!), movie starts, and we're about 5-10 minutes in when these two a-holes show up. The woman asks if anybody is sitting next to me and we tell her no. Then, she asks if we could move down, so they can sit together. I just stare at her blankly because I can't believe how rude this request is. We oblige and then they continue to turn on their iPhone during the movie which shines in my face. They did catch one of my dirty looks, so that made me happy.

Anyway, it's one thing to ask people to move down before the movie, or even during the previews. But when you're late and there aren't any contiguous seats, your punishment is the front row. This is a well-known fact, and we've all fallen victim to it once or twice. I was mad that they were so rude, and I'm also made that I didn't answer "yes" to the is anyone sitting there question. Argh. Damn you honesty!!

Oh, and if you lied before and read this without posting a request, do it now. danke!

Request Hotline Now Open

Hi loyal blog readers and commenters.

I want to write things you want to read (minus my post on yogurt. I just really like yogurt and want the world to know!). Soooo, I'm taking requests! Post your comment on any or all of the following and I'll write something just for you. Maybe I'll even name the blog post after you. hott.

1) As Seen on TV 2. Yes, I'm going to comment on the next round of Blue-Screen DRTV ads that you can't get enough of. Think Billy Mays. Let me know if there's one you want included.

2) Liveblogging. I tried it for the Emmys and it was ok. Let me know what event you want me to Liveblog and I'll do it (within reason. I mean, no porn or anything.)

3) TV Review. Any show you want. I'll review it. (note: I don't get HBO or Showtime or anything fancy. . .but I can be talked into paying a dollar to download a show if you feel passionately).

4) Anything else! Want to know my favorite Jello recipe? Improv warm-up? Drawer organizing tactics? Just ask!

Thanks for reading. I love all the comments and love even more that people are actually reading this crazy thing!

Also, as much as I hate to resort to talking about the weather, my widget says it's -10 right now and the Today Show told me this morning that I'll get frostbite if my extremities (including my nose!) are exposed for 1 minute. wtf? Does -10 feel that much different than -30? I say no. It's all motherf-ing cold.

Tuesday: The New "Me" Day

I've long hated Tuesday. It's not Monday where you're annoyed, but refreshed. And it's nowhere near a weekend. . .and it rhymes with "boo"sday. So this year, I've decided to make it my "me" day. Yes, it helps that Biggest Loser is on (that Joelle! What a nut!), but it's an evening that's all about R&R in 2009. The plan is to try to get out of work as close to 5 as possible, hurry home to throw in laundry, make dinner and catch up on DVRed stuff. Start Biggest Loser a little late to skip all the "coming up" footage and the commercials and bake something. Oh, and folding laundry. There's nothing better than having a hot heap of freshly washed clothes surrounding you when there are sub-zero temps outside.

I love to bake and barely did any of it last year, so there will definitely be more baking in 2009. Shameless plug: Need goodies for a party? I'm definitely willing to be paid for my wares (for just the cost of ingredients and minimal labor). Today I made swag bars, which basically taste like nutter butter filling and have chocolate drizzled on top. They're only 155 calories each! Definitely a filling snack. My coworkers will be enjoying them tomorrow.

Anyway, I say, when the economy is crap, the weather is crap, and work is crap, you might as well take some time to yourself to enjoy the little things.


"Where's Anna Platypus?
She's one hot chick."


"Why don't meow ever look at
me that way? meow meow?"

I'm Pro-Biotic!

I have a new love: yogurt. Seriously, I think I'm obsessed. I've moved it from breakfast to dessert and want to try every new, creamy, luscious flavor out there.

My newest habit involves going to Whole Foods, seeing what's on sale, and buying 2 (or more!). Naturally, I owe it to my blog readers to provide a review of the yogurts I've been sampling.

Brown Cow Yogurt:



They make three different kinds:
-Cream Top. This one is amazing!!! The chocolate one is my favorite because it's thick and rich yogurt with chocolate syrup at the bottom that you mix in. Better than chocolate ice cream!
-Low Fat: I don't think I've tried it
-Nonfat: Ok, I've had either this one or the low fat. Gotta say. . .they put these whole grains in it. . .it's nasty. It's like pieces of barley or wheat kernel or something in your fruity yogurt. It just ends up being kinda bitter.
So with Brown Cow, go big. Do the Cream Top and 15 extra minutes on the treadmill.

Rachel's

They definitely win the packaging battle. So pretty! And their flavors are stuff you can't imagine eating. . .so it must be good. For example: Pink Grapefruit Lychee and Marionberry Guava. Maybe the latter tastes like a coked out mayor and a tropical fruit. . .there's only one way to find out! Honestly, I had Rachel's a long time ago. I don't remember much about it. . .I think it was decent.

Yoplait Light Thick and Creamy


I quite enjoy the Key Lime Pie flavor and marveled at how they get it so thick. It's gelatin!! So basically it's jello yogurt. Two of my favorite things! I tend to get kinda sick of Yoplait and Dannon because of the artificial sweeteners, but I must admit my love of the Thick & Creamy. And please, get your mind out of the gutter.

Fage (pronounced Fah-yay)


So when finding this image, I also found the price. Almost $3 a container! It's really thick and good. . .although they have a 5% version that's 23g of fat! I had the 2% that's only 2.5g of fat and it tasted like it could have had 23. I even double-checked the label. I haven't tried the nonfat version, but I'm sure it's great. I've also heard people recommend using it as a sub for sour cream. If you know me, you know I could totally do a dollop of Daisy, so a yogurt that tastes like sour cream is perfect! Anyway, at the cost, it's a sometimes food.

Wallaby



Wallaby claims that their yogurts are made "Australian style". Apparently that means "Like Dannon, only a little thicker." It was ok. . .I only had a couple of the nonfat flavors, so maybe the lowfat ones are thicker. I tried Mango Lime and Pineapple Coconut, and they were just a little too similar for my liking. Cool cups though. . .

Also, thanks to all of you who commented about your favorite tv ads. I'll be doing another installment, so stay tuned! In the mean time, let me know what kind of yogurt you like. Unless it's that yogurt that makes you poop. I don't need to know about that.

As Seen on TV

Welcome back blog readers! Or rather. . .me. But it's weird to welcome yourself back to your own blog. Took the holidays off from blogging, and instead watched boatloads of tv. What I found is that it's amazing how we all have functioned without some amazing, time-saving products.

First, using blankets is hard. I mean, lie down to watch TV and you might as well be in a straight jacket, right? And then there's the sliding. oof! Well, aren't you lucky there's a Snuggie? It's a blanket with arms! What's more? You can also pretend you're a monk. Order now and you'll get a free booklight. Which is weird, because theoretically, the Snuggie should give your arms the freedom to reach a lamp. Oh well!



"Ok sweetheart, time to transcribe the Bible and give up our worldly possessions!"

To see the actual commercial, go to: https://www.getsnuggie.com/flare/next?videoID=ai195&bufferTime=5

You know what else sucks? When your hangers don't fit in your closet? Ugh, it gets so crowded and then you can't add more. Well, thank goodness for Wonder Hanger. You can hang up 5 (!) items at once and then collapse the hanger so it fits. Wait? What's that? If I order now I'll get a Bend-a-Hanger, so my clothes don't fall off the hanger? And a stick-up light? Wow! I'll have the most tricked out closet in Chicago! And you'll double my order? Think of all the Snuggies I can hang up in there. . .


Enough room for a party! And who has hat boxes anymore?

Oh, how did we ever put on jewelry before? Us women with our lack of flexible arms and long nails? Luckily the folks at Clever Clasp thought all about us. They're magnetic and lock? Awesome! Wow, I can get 4 gold ones and they'll throw in 4 silver ones AND jewelry extenders in each color for when my neck gets fat from laying around in my Snuggie all day.


Aired during the Price is Right "Stuff Old People Can Use" commercial block.


So as you can see, it's amazing the human race has managed to continue to survive without the aid of these terrific products. And if anybody can remember the name of the one that blocks drafts from doors. . .that should be in here too.