Fall TV Review: Melrose Place

Name of Show: Melrose Place
Network: CW
Day: Tuesday
Time: 9pm EST/8pm CST
Genre: Draaaamaaa
Length: 1 hour
Episode Watched: Pilot

Setting: LA
Characters (in order of mention/appearance):
Dr. Lauren Yung: Doctor who wears too much makeup
Sydney: Coked out actress who drinks too much, dies in pool
David Breck: Spiky-haried "blonde" who feels like he has to save Sydney
Riley Richmond: teacher who's dating quirky guy
Jonah Miller: Quirky guy who's a filmmaker, 25 years old
Ella Simms: Insensitive blonde, I believe an agent or something
Auggie Kirkpatrick: Nice guy, chef
Violet Richmond (Ashlee Simpson-Wentz): New girl to MP
Dr. Michael Mancini: David's dad, drives a nice car

Stereotypes:
- Grumpy Old Man
- Sassy non-White Woman
-Funny fat guy
-Hot blonde wife of funny fat guy
X Quirky, far too self-aware early 20's guy/girl
- Emo Teen
- Guy you've seen in that one movie who always has a sarcastic comment
X Fallen star taking what work they can get
- Relatable guy/girl, soon to be tabloid fodder
- High-strung guy/girl whose buttons everyone enjoys pushing
X Cougar
- Brainy brunette
- Precocious kid acting way too mature for their age
X Hot blonde

Basic premise:
Everybody lives in the same apartment complex and live sordid sordid lives. Oh, and we don't know who killed Sydney!

Pilot plot:
We open in a swanky bar to David making out with some chick and getting a text to come help someone. After checking with his brahs (bros), talking to some people about what a train wreck Sydney is and calling some doctor (or club girl who threw on some scrubs and snuck into a hospital, judging from the caked-on makeup) and learning about the signs of alcohol poisoning that everyone knows, he runs home (to MELROSE PLACE) to find Sydney perfectly lucid! Ugh! A twist already! She was on the original show, I think (I've seen it like twice) and complains about how she doesn't have a family.

Cut to Riley and her bf whose name I didn't catch because Riley speaks a mile a minute. He's all Seth Coheney and complains about no green clovers in his Lucky Charms (wait, people notice when marshmallows are missing? Usually I'm like "oooh! marshmallow! ew. cereal. oooh! marshamallow!"). She whines about it being their anniversary, which he blows off. . .or so he wants you to think! He plays some video in which they're pretending to have fun and like each other (and how convenient the camera was there to capture your spontaneous pillow fight!). It ends with him proposing, which might be compelling if I didn't feel like I was watching some scene in an acting class where both students are hungover.

Splatsh! Sydney's bloody body is face down in the MP pool! Everybody is torn up, especially Ashlee Simpson-Wentz who found her. She gets consoled by Auggie. She'll be ok. Ella doesn't really care that Sydney is dead, yet nobody suspects her. . .but everybody suspects David! Speaking of, he's at the popo being asked about her death.

Dr. Yung is being super nice to an older patient lady, then learns that her dad got laid off awhile ago and can't pay her tuition. He feels really bad. So does she, because she'll have to leave school if she doesn't pay tuition by the end of the month.

Back to Riley and quirky guy (yawn. . .). She can't decide whether or not to accept his prosal. Mr. Quirky (still didn't get his name. . .) is sad.

Ella gives David a fake alibi and quite enjoys telling everyone that he was with her that night. Yet, we get to see her thoughts and she's remembering killing Sydney. . .well, arguing with her mostly. . .but we can deduce what happened later. Sydney was pissed about something and evicted Ella. . .or tried to.

Back in the real world, David's dad shows up (who also may have been on the original show. . .he looks familiar). . .he's also driving Mercedes' version of the Delorean.

In Most Obvious Backstory Dialogue Ever David says "Why didn't you tell me you used to live there, dad?" Then talks about how Sydney went after him to get back at the dad. . .blah blah blah. . .Dad kicks him out of the car into some homeless people.

Jonah and Ella are filming some 18 year old's party, she's hitting on him all vixen-like, then tries to talk him out of his engagement.

Dr. Yung gets asked out by older patient lady's son.

Back at Dr. Yung's apt, she rehashes everything we know about her to Riley (in case you just tuned in, I guess. . .?)

Jonah tries to get the huge director whose daughter's party he's taping to view his student film. Ella said it would be no problem! Director is insulted. Ella kinda really sucks.

More rehashing: David rehashes to Auggie. Auggie knows his alibi is bogus (oooh. . .potential problem?) and David fears he blacked out and did it. Auggie knows that didn't happen (maybe he saw the same flashback we did?)

Riley confides in Dr. Yung that she fears that Jonah may be too immature to marry because he still plays with legos (ooh. . .then there's no hope for my brother. . .)

Jonah is asked to photograph the gifts because they're in an 18 and happens to get the big director man on tape hooking up with a teen. ruh roh!

Act 1 Break Pickle: Jonah could possibly get his ass kicked. Oh, and Sydney is still dead and nobody has been arrested.

David's dad is in the car, gets a call from his wife about his little son (Noah) and then flashes back to a visit from Sydney where she talks about not sleeping with David anymore. Then she threatens to tell his wife about them. . . .she's awesome too.

We see Dr. Yung on her date with the guy from the hospital, and he propositions her. She says that she doesn't do that on a first date, and he tells her that there won't be a second date because he's going back to NYC. He admits that he saw the fax and offers to pay off her tuition (which is only $5k. . .what kind of med school is this?) if she'll sleep with him. She storms off. I really hope we don't see her go back on her decision .. .but something tells me she will!

Back at the skeezy director's house, he offers Jonah $25k for his student video and a gig directing a movie (oops. . .maybe he's a producer) if he gives him the tape of him snogging the teen.

Lauren (Dr. Yung) returns home and Violet blathers on about how $5k is a lot of money and by not taking him up on his offer she didn't get the guy or the money. (uh. . .what?) She also talks about how they're nice girls and they don't have fun. Then, I assume she goes back to creepily wandering around the pool.

Jonah returns home and rehashes to Riley. Basically, we find out that he ended up not taking up that producer on his offer because he doesn't want to start his career that way. Riley finally agrees to marry him. (it makes me wonder what would have happened if he hadn't had an epic moral struggle to help her make up her damn mind).

They all gather to toast to Sydney and Jonah (dressed in some outfit that seriously needs lederhosen) announces his engagement. Violet looks around all creepily as Jonah hugs people. David propositions Ella. . .she says no. Violet asks out Auggie. . .he says no. Then, we see a montage of what people do when they get home (p.s. David steals paintings from museums to auction them off!). Ella is a lesbian, and surprise! Dr. Yung whores her self out for tuition money. Also surprise! Auggie has Sydney's bloody clothes!! wha?? Even I didn't see that one coming.

Reaction: None of the characters are likeable. The ones who are supposed to be are just kind of annoying. Jonah is maybe the closest to being likeable. As the show went on, we saw more dimension to these characters, so I think the future episodes should be interesting. And how can they be swimming in that pool after a dead body was floating in it? Yuck!!!

Competing against in my DVR schedule (remember, only two slots!): Big Brother (until next week), Biggest Loser (after next week) and 18 Kids and Counting (I just revealed WAY too much about myself)
Added to schedule?: nope

Renewed for a 2nd season prediction: Eh, probably. 90210 was.

Hey! It's _Ashlee Simpson-Wentz________ from _Seventh Heaven________ !

with her old face!