Reality TV desconstructed

On a rare non-premiere day (btw, did you watch Glee? go! watch it now!), I decided to do my own deconstruction, much like Mike on Top Chef this week: Reality TV. You'll never watch it the same way again.

1) The first person to do a confessional interview is either eliminated or wins something. Seriously. DVR Project Runway, Top Chef, Survivor, Top Model, Apprentice. . .any of those. Watch the ep, then watch the first 5 minutes. 9 times out of 10, this will be the case.

2) "Wow, we're learning a lot about so-and-so today." Um. . .they're doomed. . .or will be soon. You won't learn about the people who win until later, most likely. Because they're talented. . .and boring.

3) This person's brother/mom/cousin/long lost bff from grade school is on the show too?! They're either kicked of first or go really far. The producers will milk that gimmick for all it's worth until you're as sick of hearing about it as you were of hearing Michael scream "Waaalllltttt!" into the woods all through Season 2 of Lost.

4) The entertaining people will make it to the middle. . .probably saved once by producer intervention (again, use that handy DVR and watch the credits. . .there's usually a disclaimer about producers having a say in who goes), then they're kicked off before the real competition begins. Do NOT get attached!

5) None of these rules apply to Big Brother. . .which means you can get stuck with some pretty boring people by the end.

6) The likeable people with the hero edit don't always win. . . .sometimes it's the people you've been rooting against all season who hang on like cockraoches. See: Freddy and Kendra from Amazing Race, Helen from Biggest Loser, Richard Hatch from Survivor, Piers from Celebrity Apprentice.

7) By the time the next season starts, you won't remember who won the previous season. . .nor care.