FALL TV REVIEW: The Vampire Diaries

Name of Show: The Vampire Diaries
Network: CW
Day: Thursday
Time: 8pm EST/7pm CST
Genre: Draaaamaaa
Length: 1 hour
Episode Watched: Pilot

Setting: Mystic Falls
Characters (in order of mention/appearance):
Darrin Malloy: 90s hair, died
Brooke Fenton: Blonde, died (and also dyed. . .?)
Aunt Jenna: Thought she was in high school when I first saw her, she's actually writing thesis, so close enough.
Elena Gilbert: Girl whose parents died.
Bonnie: Psychic girl, flighty
Matt: Sulking jock guy, used to date Elena, Vicki's brother
Caroline: Blonde, fake concern for Elena, sorta like Patty Simcox in Grease
Vicki: Takes drugs, bad girl, Matt's sister
Jeremy: Elena's brother, deals drugs to/sleeps with Vicki
Stefan Salvatore: Hot new guy. . .a tad bit creepy. Vants to suck your blood
Tyler: Vicki's bf. douchebag with funny insults
Zach: Related to Stefan/Damon somehow
Damon: Stefan's trouble-making brother

Stereotypes:
- Grumpy Old Man
- Sassy non-White Woman
-Funny fat guy
-Hot blonde wife of funny fat guy
- Quirky, far too self-aware early 20's guy/girl
X Emo Teen
- Guy you've seen in that one movie who always has a sarcastic comment
- Fallen star taking what work they can get
X Relatable guy/girl, soon to be tabloid fodder
- High-strung guy/girl whose buttons everyone enjoys pushing
- Cougar
- Brainy brunette
- Precocious kid acting way too mature for their age
X Hot blonde

Basic premise: Vampires are gonna wreak havok in Mystic Falls, while nice girl Elena is just trying to move on from her parents' death.

Pilot plot:

We start in a foggy wood and I expect the creepy swingset from Are You Afraid of the Dark to be nearby. A voiceover from what I assume to be a vampire about how this is his story. bookay.

We then see a car with a hot blonde and a dude with a weird 90s haircut and they hit some guy all I Know What You Did Last Summer-like. I'm beginning to think this is one of those movies that just mocks a genre (like Scary Movie or Dance Movie), but then remember that it's capitalizing on the whole Twilight thing. . .so we should only see a few more movie ripoffs. Anyway, Darrin (ooh! they actually said his name!) runs to check on their roadkill (who has a spiffy Jostens class ring) and promptly gets bit all vampire style. He then gets flung onto the hood of the car. The chick runs off, but she's as good as dead, really.

In a less foggy setting, we cut to a teenager writing in her diary (what? vampires and diaries in the first 5 minutes. You've given me no reason to keep watching, show!). Apparently her parents died but she doesn't want to be the "sad" girl at school. Yeah, nobody likes when you're a downer about both of your parents being killed. . .that's a fast track to the geek table at lunch. Good move, As-Yet-Unnamed girl.

She moseys downstairs and greets her Aunt Jenna and emo brother. We see behind her photos of the vampire food couple from the first scene. So it's confirmed the chick died too. . .told you so!

First day of school! They, of course, attend a school that is 3 stories, about 3 houses wide and looks like the school from the Simpsons. Like every TV/Movie high school, everyone hangs out front before school starts. WTF? They live in Mystic Falls (where the most popular restaurant is Mystic Pizza, natch). I'm surprised any of them have straight hair, given the amount of fog in that town. Some chick who thinks she's psychic drives Elena to school and almost hits someone. . .purely for our benefit, because we get to learn that both of Elena's parents died in a car crash. Thanks Backstory Scene!

In the hallways of MFHS, we have the usual cast of characters. . .bubbly student council president-type who feigns concern over Elena's misfortune. . .a combo of Patty Simcox from Grease and Amber from The O.C. Jock who used to date Elena and now hides behind his iPod and throws steely stares toward her. The brother is out back dealing drugs to some hard-living chick (who's supposed to be passing for 18? really? I'll bet she was the ring leader with the whole cast flashing people thing.) Best line of the night was her bf calling the brother "Pete Wentz" before he attacked Vicki's face with his tongue.

Meanwhile, some guy is talking the secretary into letting him attend school. He pulls the vampire version of a Jedi mind trick and the girls all fall over each other just to look at him. After all, it's not every day you have some 25 year old attending your high school. Elena misses this slobberfest, however, because she busted into the mens' bathroom to yell at her brother for doing drugs. He denies it, but the Visene doesn't lie. She storms out and runs head-on into the new hot guy. They do the wayyyy too choreographed "You go." "No, you go" "Oops! we're both going the same way!" dance and she heads off to first period.

First day of school and the teacher is already yammering on about colonial Virginia. So boring! Good thing they can text each other! New hot guy is totes staring at Elena. eeee!!!

Elena, like you do in high school, walks home through the cemetery. She plops down by her parents' graves and starts writing in her diary. A crow shows up and she schmacts (e.g. badly acts) her way through being annoyed with the bird. Suddenly a Bar Mitzvah breaks out and there's fog everywhere (but no glow sticks? booooo!!) she runs away, and falls and wouldn't you know that hot (now somewhat creepy) guy from school is there. She shows her wound and he gets a vampire boner (and flashes his Jostens class ring) and tells her to leave. Oh, and apparently his name is Stefan. A name one might have in say. . . .Transylvania. . . .?

We return from commercial and Stefan is writing in his diary (ah, another diary. . .hence it's not named The Vampire Diary) and admits that he lost control today. He also has Elena's diary sitting next to him. Creep. Store.

Cut to all of the kids hanging out at a more rustic version of The Maxx (oh please be named Mystic Pizza. . .please???) and we learn that there are very few people to choose from in this town. Basically, Vicki deflowered Jeremy and is the jock guy's sister who used to date Elena (who is Jeremy's sister). There's some kind of ick factor there. . .

The blonde chick enters with the as-yet-unnamed flighty friend and Backstories Stefan for us. He just moved to town, lives with his uncle. . . .etc. Blonde chick has set a wedding date for Stefan and her. um. . .ok.

Elena is getting spiffied up to go to Mystic Pizza, opens the door and Stefan is there. He hands her her diary and she invites him out. They hang with the girls and he Backstories himself (so why did we need that previous scene?). They let him know about some party and he'll only go if Elena is there (awww. . .no wait. creepy.) We also learn that Stefan's parents are both dead, so Elena is officially smitten.

Back at the set of Count Flloyd's Scary Stories, someone who looks like Bradley Cooper but calls him "Uncle Stefan" holds up the paper claiming an animal attacked our lovely couple from the opening but he knows it was Stefan! He asks Stefan why he's back after all these years, and Stefan feels like he has nowhere to go. He then goes to ogle a portrait of Katherine from 1864. . .who looks a lot like Elena!

Act 1 Break Pickle: Stefan is from 150 years ago! And Boone from Lost was not in ANY of Act 1? WTF?

Act 2 begins in history class. The teacher, who's clearly bitter, calls everyone by their stereotype and expects the worst from them. Yay for another glowing review of our educational system! When Elena doesn't know the answer to his question, he lets her know that the dead parents pity party ended with summer vacation, missy! Teacher of the Year right here. Behind him on a chalkboard is written "Battle of Willow Creek - 1865". Hey! That's one year before that picture of Katherine was taken. Perhaps she died in that battle? Stefan knows about the battle (because he lived through it) and corrects Mr. Tanner's facts. Suck on that a-hole!

Shot of the falls! They're so mystic!

It's time for the party! Here are the key events:

• Psychic friend (Bonnie!) really is psychic
• Vicki is a whore but doesn't want to be, gets attacked by a vampire
  
• Stefan gets hit on by blonde chick (Caroline!) and rejects her
  
• Elena and Jeremy find Vicki
• Jock Guy (Matt!) professes his undying love to Elena
  
• Stefan not-so-subtly backs away when a bloody Vicki is carried into the crowd. And Matt totally notices!
  

Stefan runs home, tells Zach (his nephew. . .uncle. . . I'm confused. . .) that someone else was attacked but he didn't do it. A crow flies in and we see Damon, his brother (yay! Boone!)

Damon does a little Rehashing for us and lets us know that it's been 15 years since they've "done this". He laments 90s fashions and in what's probably the most ironic line of the night says,
"Remember Stefan, it's important to stay away from fads." hahahaha.

A vampire fight ensues over Damon needling Stefan over Katherine and Elena and Damon steals his Jostens ring, which is apparently some big deal.

Time to start wrapping things up!

• Bonnie feels it's just the beginning (duh! it's a pilot!)
• Caroline is pissed that she doesn't get the guy and Elena always does. Bitch is gonna make trouble!
• Vicki in hospital looking damn good, I must say. Matt is by her side.
• Elena writing in diary.
  
• Stefan writing in diary. (The Vampire DiarieS. . .must have more than 1 at all times!)
• Jeremy cries over parents' pic with Aunt Jenna watching
• Caroline hits on Damon
• Damon is totally the one biting people
  

Stefan watching Elena from the yard and they talk about whether or not they're ok. weak!


Reaction:
this. show. is. trying. SO. hard. Admittedly, I have not participated in this Twilight phenomenon, so I don't know how closely this show resembles those books, but I can speak to the fact that it's ripped off almost every teen movie cliche. It's like "Here are things we think young people like. . .put them all in the pilot!" No twitter/facebook references though, so thank goodness for small blessings. I'm assuming it will do while you're waiting for the next Twilight movie to come out. And Boone totally looks weird on this show. . .I can't place it. I'm sure the tweeners/teens will eat it up though, so it probably has about 3 seasons in it.

Competing against in my DVR schedule (remember, only two slots!): Parks and Recreation and Grey's Anatomy
Added to schedule?: nope
Renewed for a 2nd season prediction: Yes, it's a freaking vampire show.

Hey! It's _Boone_______ from __Lost_______ !


I guess his eyes were freaky back then!